


A rare combination

by FrejaStahl



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 08:09:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8883388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrejaStahl/pseuds/FrejaStahl
Summary: Quick dip into some writing. It has been a while since I've written anything. I miss it. This is a short attempt. Hope it's enjoyable. Even though I feel it needs more. I'll have to keep coming back.





	

I'm an open book really. Always have been. That's what everyone thinks too.

I'm an open book, a friend to everyone, and someone who opens up to everyone if I get a chance. I'm a bubbling extrovert, what you see is what you get. Everyone knows me so well don't they. Don't they?

Depending on the company I keep at the time. I guess you could say so. I've never really had the chance to think about it. Until you posed the question anyway. 

You. And your damn questions. You have always managed to ask the right questions to stop me in my tracks. To make me stop talking and to make me think before I say anything further. You seem to know exactly when I'm changing the track away from me and back to you. How do you do that? Nobody else has ever taken that much interest in me to ask me about me before. Nobody. 

When you say things like I'm deflecting or stalling. It startles me. And oddly exhilarates me. How do you know? How do you specifically know? Nobody else has ever known. Nobody else has ever bothered to ask.

I've had years of practice to help me along the way, if you must know. Heavy criticism helps me quite well. I'm me. But I can't be all of me all the time and everywhere, if that makes sense. I'm parts of me. Because I don't think anyone can take me being all of me all the time. Nobody appreciates the all of me version of me. I've tried to be the all of me version of me before, and I'm always the one that ends up being made upset.

"You try so hard to be different, what is it that you're trying to prove?" I don't know. Why don't you tell me too, considering I'm the one that's trying so hard and you know it. Or maybe I just won't be like that with you anymore. Person compartmentalised. I've done that to every single person I know. I've always been able to box people, or more box myself in the form they would like to see me. I'm a people pleaser. I enjoy knowing that they like me being the me they want me to be. Never necessarily realising that, actually, being like this has been making me more and more not me, and more and more unhappy.

So I've done some things that would may not always sit well within other people's perception of what I should be. "Should be". What does that mean, anyway?? I've always been the type that would let anyone be who they are, if they were happy with it, that's all that matters. And if they no longer want to be the person they used to be, that's also fine! For example a new city or a new country or a new job is the perfect opportunity to re-invent yourself. If you were a meek person before, there's nothing stopping you from being this loud, vivacious person in a new place! You can be differen't facets of yourself depending on the comfort zone you feel you're in at the time. They're still "you"!

So why is it, when it comes to me, I've never been "allowed" to be who I am. I'm not happy within alot of people's constraints. I don't enjoy routine tasks. I have an itch to want to be somewhere else all the time. I get restless and bored with mundane chores. I don't enjoy routine. I hate it. It suffocates me and I need to disappear for periods of time to feel back to myself again. I've done some things that would be described as silly, or wreckless, or just plain irresponsible, because of this feeling. And I managed to hide it well enough and nobody has ever had to know. I'm still here, aren't I?

There's always been far too much expectation off people close to me. I could never seem to live up to that expectation. No matter how hard I try, so it just makes it easier if I'm this flawed nonsense person. They have no idea how flawed!!!!!

Except you seem to see through all of that. 

Everyone has been compartmentalised.

Except for you. I can't seem to do that with you. I can't say that I haven't tried to, because I have. But you always seem to figure me out at a later point. You remember too much. You pay too much attention. Or, maybe, just the right amount? You read me so well. The feeling is indescribable. You're like something from a book. You create this open place for me to act like who I feel like being at the time. You deal with it. Without the judgement, or the expectationthat I should be the same person I was yesterday.

I've always felt proud that no-one has ever known the full me, the all-of-me me. You're probably the only person who does "know me" know me. All the bad sides, all the good too. How come it hasn't ever put you off? How come you haven't backed off? It's scary. And I hope you never go away. Nobody has ever managed to find their way in to this level before. I haven't ever let anyone in this far before. But now that you have got through...never go away. i'm not quite sure what I would end up doing if you did. 

Familiarity and comfort are a rare combination. And now they're mine.


End file.
